The Killing Type
The Killing Type by Juou no zan (女王のザン) first appeared in issue Issue 94 in 2021.
Creator's Notes
Sometimes when you’re playing a video game, a single line throws you so completely out of things that you have to stop and imagine what would actually happen if the game took that one line as seriously as you think it warranted. And then, if you’re me, you write a novella about it.
Once again, in trying to figure out why the hell someone would say and do such fucking weird things (especially in any context divorced from the material that inspired it lol), my conclusion was: autism and trauma. Which meant I got overinvested in my weird little guys immediately, because Same Hat! I mean only one member of my family has ever been murdered and I myself have never killed anyone, but you know. Similar hat.
I finished this story in August and it was enough over 25k that I didn’t think I would be able to carve it down for a regular issue, so I decided, since it was unlikely I would be able to write and finish another story during a semester I knew ahead of time would be tough (ahahaha. tough. i wish this semester was only tough) I would just sit on it and actually be able to have enough time away from it to have somewhat fresher eyes for a December round of edits.
It wasn’t until very recently I realized I wrote a serious-verging-on-paranoid story about someone experiencing a crush and not knowing how to deal with it and going “get out of my school” to the object of their affections. In my defense, I am also autistic and somewhat oblivious.
There is No Way fantasy worlds with magical healing do not get to have extra levels of BDSM and I’m mad about it now. Like, damn, wish it was even half as safe for me to get stabbed recreationally as it is for these dudes, what the fuck, that sounds great.
I had a discussion with my wife about “white magic” and “black magic”, and the definitions thereof, and we basically inevitably decided that, like all categorizations, it is simply a false idea people are projecting onto a phenomenon that does not have clear lines. Like, an anti-microbial spell is obviously a healing spell, but it’s also literally killing things, and most definitions of “white” and “black” magic (in things that bother to define them) really don’t seem like they have room for something that’s obviously good for a human(oid) user but literally destructive to tiny life forms. Categories are fake and big video game magic system is lying to you!
I don’t know if this is something allistic people experience in the same way, but there have been a couple times in my life where I met another autistic/neurodivergent person and immediately clicked with them in what always felt like a very surreal way. Going through life not relating to other people and then once every few years meeting a single person who I understood and who understood me…fucked up tbh. I mean, I never leapt to “I bet this feeling is murder” but I was overwhelmed enough to burst into very confusing tears when people were nice to me unexpectedly, so why not assume murder? Probably safer than weeping about it. I don’t know if I can overstate how strange it is to finally experience feeling understood and safe when it has very much not been your experience in socializing.
It is probably fair to categorize Lennart and Bastiaan both as on the asexual spectrum, but at least for Bastiaan it has more to do with how vulnerable intimacy makes you. Which, yes, does make it a little ironic that he’s like, “This is the most dangerous man I’ve met in several years. Now I’m gonna fuck him”. I could psychoanalyze this guy all day, but I’ll just say perhaps the reality of vulnerability is less frightening than the idea of it.
Okay I lied; I will also say identifying feelings is hard! Especially when you do not express them the way other people expect you to! (Alexithymia is a common feature of autism; how much this is because we have no models for what autistic versions of emotional expression is and how much of it is compartmentalizing things out of our conscious awareness is up for debate. What do you mean the feelings don’t go away if you ignore them for long enough???)
Anyway, sometimes a traumatized autistic mercenary experiences a moment of recognition and is like “I don’t know what this feeling is” and decides it’s probably murder, and I think that’s beautiful.
Did I get overambitious for these illustrations bc I Love My Boys and then realized it’s finals week and I’m Completely Exhausted? Yes I did. Maybe someday I will finish the version of them sparring that actually has a background, but a bitch got Very Into Dutch Castles instead.
